It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
