HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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