Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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