there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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