Sacagawea was the original milf.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
