Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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