i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
