I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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