Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
