if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
