yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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