My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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