just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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