Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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