what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize