My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
