Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize