I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
