I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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