I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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