I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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