Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
