I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
