I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
