forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
