my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
