There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
