I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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