Betty ford says i'm here all night
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
