I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
