in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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