I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
