I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize