you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
