Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
