White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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