WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
