its not stalking. its research.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
