It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
