WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
