Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
