I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
