How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
