____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
