Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
