I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
