I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize