Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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