i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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