May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
