How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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