i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
