What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
