i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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