you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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