i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
