Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
