I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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