My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
