If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
